Sportswriter-turned-political-opinion-former Kevin McKenna has compared the Scottish National Party to the taps in a bathroom in the United States of America – the latest twist in his long-running search for metaphors, similes and analogies that make as much sense as Professor John Curtice’s unacknowledged hairpiece, or the makeup policies of BBC Scotland’s programme Timeline.
In his column in the Herald of West Central Scotland Especially The More Salubrious Parts of Glasgow, a newspaper in which Mr McKenna’s column soars like a beanstalk made of cheese, or beans, Mr McKenna writes that the SNP is as socialist as the gold-plated taps in Trump Tower – a building in New York.
Formerly owned by Donald J Trump, the first Hebridean President of the USA, and now administered by a trust operated by his sons, as long as they’re in the same room as their father, this building is noted for its opulence. Though it is believed not all the taps, or faucets as they are known locally, are either solid or plated with gold. Some are believed to be made of cheese. Or beans.
“I will leave no stone unchucked in my ongoing journey of searching searchdom for appropriate and preferably long-winded verbal comparisons,as I battle to meet wordcount demands,” said Mr McKenna. “This is a journey I often compare to that of John the Baptist descending Mount Zion with the Ten Commandments, or a hill of beans, or cheese,like in the Bible or suchlike quite important books,” said Mr McKenna. “Nationalism may not be your actual Epuisse or Lapsang Suchong, but it is not racist. That is ridiculous. Like saying Heinz beans are better than HP or Lidl’s own brand, which frankly I wouldn’t touch with a barge. Or a Pole. Or anyone. All nationalities are equally the case, in case, inasmuch as John Greig was a ballerina. And we all know that. In Scotland.”
Pledging to “continue the battle for puzzling superficiality with all my might” Mr McKenna could not comment further, as he was “off for a Brie or two” with “important contacts in the world of dairy production.”