Trump UK visit “will be mainly restricted to Lewis” – Palace sources

The projected state visit to the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (Including Scotland) by the President of the United States of America, Domnhaill Iain Trump, will be based at the crofting township of Tong in Lewis, with “a few trips”, probably by helicopter, to Balmoral, and the Trump Organisation’s golf developments in Turnberry and Aberdeenshire.

These claims by a Buckingham Palace source would seem to be in response to concerns over security during any state visit by the president.

“His mother was an illegal immigrant from Lewis in the 1920s,” said the source, “and he has expressed a wish to commune with her memory and the roots of his maternal ancestors, in the context of his beloved Free Presbyterianism. The plan at the moment is to set up a kind of  ‘meeting in the peat bog’ where senior politicians could helicopter to Tong for an audience with him and his KGB and religious handlers. Security will be far easier, with a ‘ring of death’ being provided by nuclear submarines, military dinghies and kilted soldiers, plus some kind of wall.”

Trump’s recent conversion to Free Presbyterianism, a form of ultra-conservative protestantism which condemns trousers on women – a central plank of Trumpist theology – is thought to have influenced his decision to centre the visit on his mother’s ancestral home. It is believed the Cunard Liners Queen Mary II and Queen Victoria have already been chartered and will be anchored off Stornoway for the duration of the trip, along with the Scottish Government’s recently acquired Ministerial Yacht the MV Dignity, and an assortment of  disused oil rigs to accommodate journalists.

A luxurious tented encampment is being proposed for Tong itself, modelled on former Syrian dictator’s Muammar Gadaffi’s infamous canvas ‘convocation sites,’ one of which was left on Trump’s property in Bedford, NY, in 2009, after an abortive visit by Gadaffi to the USA.

A Tong local , who declined to be named but is almost certainly a Macleod, said care would be needed to secure “any form of impermanent tabernacle” in the notoriously windy district.

“We had a couple of tourists who camped here a few years ago,” he said. “The wind got up during the night and they were later found near St Kilda, half-eaten by killer whales and kittiwakes. I certainly would not want such a fate to befall Domnhaill Iain.”

In a curious footnote, The Scottish Reportage spoke to some fellow reporters who were already booking accommodation in Lewis, and discovered that the notorious providers of ‘Mobile Event Relief Services’ Madame International Inc. had allegedly chartered a former P&O car ferry and several Millport rowing boats for the visit’s duration. This is in order to offer “discreet companionship and escort facilities in a homely floating environment,” mostly to the press and military staff involved. It is understood that both Queen Mary Two and  Queen Victoria will suspend all public dancing and gambling for the duration of the visit, replacing these with prayer meetings and a ‘pop up’ Burger King restaurant. Alcohol will, it is thought, still be available, although President Trump is a teetotaller.

Meetings with the Queen and other members of the royal family will take place in private at Balmoral. There was no chance, the Palace source said, of the Queen visiting the ‘Peat Bog Camp’ in Tong.

“Her Majesty prefers the Church of Scotland’s more liberal outlook on camping,” he said. Or it may have been a she. Difficult to tell with that accent.

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