Losing a 2018 referendum on independence would be “good for the SNP and good for Scotland,” a senior party source told The Scottish Reportage yesterday.
As pressure from within the party grows on Nicola Sturgeon to call a referendum for next year, some within the SNP are lobbying for a delay, pointing to the “near certainty” of defeat, a general disaffection within the Scottish public about yet another vote, and the dangers posed by rumoured imminent changes in the recipé for Barr’s Irn Bru.
These alterations are thought to be based on American experiments in brain cell alteration and a secret US military programme aimed at ‘shifting the stupidity index of a population’.
“These weak-livered, lily-kneed so-called nationalists fail to recognise the central plank of Scottish identity that is failure,” said the SNP source. “Look what actually being in Government has done for the SNP – it has weakened us by forcing us to take our collective eye off the collective ball that is independence, and engage in practical day-to-day politics which have proved nothing but a distraction.
“In addition, Scots are never happier than in defeat, preferably a narrow and glorious one involving malnourished wingers of less than average height. And so defeat – and it will be defeat – in a referendum next year will restore our nation to its rightful sense of inferiority and grievance, and our party to a vibrant state of one-dimensionality. ‘We are Wee’ should be our slogan. Our perhaps just ‘Wee? We!’ It is the way forward – as a noisy, powerless and proud minority.”
No official SNP response was immediately forthcoming, though one press officer told The Scottish Reportage, speaking off the record, that the possibility of “weaponised Irn Bru” was “clearly a matter of some concern in the psephological context.”