Norway “must invade Scotland immediately,” says ‘Pillaging’ Prof

The strengthening of Scotland’s connections with Scandinavia should mean taking a new view of  The Battle of Largs, says a self-styled ‘Viking handmaiden’, who believes Norway should invade Scotland ‘immediately’.

Professor Lorelei Donaldsdottir of the University of the Highlands and Islands in Wick, author of the influential ‘New Nordicism’ work The Pillaging Myth, said at a recent IKEA-sponsored ‘Pining for the Fjords’ conference that it was time to “set aside the legends” about the battle on the Ayrshire coast in 1263, often portrayed as  a triumph for the Scottish forces under Alexander of Dundonald, Steward of Scotland.  King Haakon of Norway and his Viking forces were forced to retreat after the conflict and give up a claim to the western seaboard of Scotland.

“Largs was not victory. It was a tragedy which destroyed all hopes of Scotland becoming a hygge-infused community where Nordic values reign, people drive Volvos and have no compunction about eating puffins,” said Professor Donaldsdottir.

“Look at what the small country of Norway has accomplished in its history. It has successfully and through an admirably ruthless greed wiped out the Picts, its own forestry, all its inshore fisheries, almost all the whales in the Arctic and Antarctic, the entire North Sea herring industry in the early years of the 20th Century and the Saab car company. Though that may have been Sweden. I get confused with all this blondness. Anyway, Norway has ruined its own fjords for aquaculture and is now trying to do the same wherever it can buy up salmon farms. And we could have been part of that in Scotland.”

Professor Donaldsdottir, who claims to be a ‘viking handmiaden through blood’ as her great grandfather once took part in the Shetland festival of Up Helly Aa as a fiddle box carrier, has openly incited a Norwegian invasion of Scotland as “our only hope of obtaining some proper hygge candles.” She added. “It should happen immediately and certainly before any final BREXIT settlement. I have no desire to be president of any interim Norse-Caledonian state, but I’d be happy to offer some interior design advice.” Oil, she added, was “irrelevant unless it comes from whales, which should be part of everyone’s diet, along with gannets, puffins and other useful seabirds.”

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